May 2010 I went crazy over someone. Someone I should have not gotten crazy with because not only it is outside of the norms but it opposes what faith has always taught us. However I am not the typical girl nor am I a person who follows the norms. In fact I am one hell of an out of the box creature.
I knew my lesbian tendencies since I was in my last year in grade school when I had a crush on a boyish classmate but because she was one of girls who bullied me, I kind of hated her at that time. And then I went on having crushes and falling in and out of love with men until another incident in my senior year in high school, I fell in love with a girl, a freshman. Her smile just intoxicates me.
I kept it because some of my friends said it is just not me and courting her is insanity. So I stopped believing that I could fall for a girl. I told myself, "You’re too feminine to become a lesbian, you even flirt with guys! You just admire girls which is normal!"
And I went to college had boyfriends but still admired girls. Since I am an open book, my friends knew about me having crushes on girls. They just often tease me about them getting confused of my gender (we often laughed about this), besides most of my college friends are boys so they really treat me as one of them. I also have my own set of lesbian and gay friends. I am liberated and open-minded so I am not the kind of closet lesbian. I just did not have a girlfriend in my youth; this is because I had boyfriends whom I shared intimacy with and share admiration of women’s femininity and beauty. I am like Santana of Glee minus the hiding and bitchy attitude. I like girls and I am open to any possibilities but I never had a girlfriend then.
I was already engaged with a man, a best friend to me. Until May 2010, confusion struck me. Her cool nature, smile, sparkling eyes and straight long hair lingers my mind even in my sleep. She was full of mystic that I craved to unravel what her mind and heart speaks. She is boyish in fact at first look you can already tell she is a lesbian, but she likes boys too. That is when I embraced bisexuality. I knew what I wanted right then, I want her in my life. I am a risk-taker by nature. I go for my heart desires. So our friendship blossomed to intimacy until I left my fiancé for her.
That intimacy lasted for more than a year and like any other relationships it has its own ups and downs. I got to know her more, met her family and shared a lot of things together. It was love; it was a movie “Imagine Me and You”. I was Rachel and she was Luce (though I kinda look more like Luce… hahahaha!)
I dived into that intense emotion. I enjoyed the roller coaster ride even it was already intoxicating. The nights are brighter than the days, and the days are darker than the nights. I knew from the start that the relationship is not going to last but I fought for it. I fought to the point that I left my family, my friends, my principles, what I always believed in and myself just to follow her. To show her I love her more than I loved myself, to make her feel that she will always be on top of my priorities and that I will never leave her side. We had fights mostly because of her getting jealous with my exes. She can’t seem to understand why I am still friends with my ex-lovers. We have a lot of opposing nature. One fight that made me really break down was when she was pointing and repeating my past. A past she was not part of.
Until one day reality came to its course. She broke up with me, a break-up I could never imagine I would experience. She gave me reasons, reasons which I could not seem to understand for when you love a person you accept their strengths, as well as their flaws. Maybe she just fell out of love, but that point it was hard to accept, difficult to fathom. But still I hoped. I hoped that after a few days she will be back to her senses and love me again, I had expectations that fought against reality. Just how Tom hoped to have Summer back. Still reality is as stubborn as I am. She never came back, she asked me to move out. After a few days, I found out she had given her love to someone. Someone I did not know. Someone not me. I forced myself to move out though it pained me to death. The pain was brutal. I could not imagine how I survived. Days went on and the pain was just killing me inside. My life was never the same, I started smoking and drinking. I intoxicate myself for with smoke and alcohol they keep me sane. Don’t worry guys I am not alcoholic nor addicted to cigarette (hahaha! Just doing the vices on weekends ;P).
Was I mad with her? YES! Do I loathe her? Definitely! Don’t get me wrong she’s not a bad person at all. In fact she is sweet and loving, fun to be with, a good friend. But nothing could ever deny the fact that she broke the most fragile part of my body… My heart. The most precious and most fragile thing I gave to her which she promised to take care of. Promises that let my guard down, promises that shattered the walls I built to protect me.
Am I ok now? I don’t know. Are we good friends? Not at all. Am I hoping that someday I will find my way back to love? Often times not, but if ever I do I want it with a man. A man who is going to take care of my strong and fragile character. A man who will be true to his words and love me the way I deserve to be loved.
Those days and months of riding the roller coaster, I discovered myself and I have her to thank for that. Maybe I just really have to dive into the pain in order to be happy again.
I passed my crying days…
I survived the torment of those sleepless nights…
I stopped taking the anxiety pills months ago that helped me calm down…
But from time to time, she haunts me. Disturbs my good sleep, distracts me from my focus.
Now all I want is for her to be totally out of my mind, for her to be just a stranger I once slept with. For her to be someone from the past that soon enough I will have a good humor at…
I can say I have involved myself in a lot of relationships whether it was serious or just mainly fling. Somehow being attached to another person was an easy thing for me. I enjoyed its roller coaster ride and felt its ups and downs. I have been through its saddest and happiest moments, through break-ups and falling in love again.
